There's already too much homework. I had all these grand plans of making it to the gym with Eric and getting to socialize (or at least call you guys) on the weekends.
Nay.
Nay, my friends.
I am about to embark on an adventure so harrowing I'll be lucky if I get regular showers, let alone meals, and (even more laughable)- exercise! The most hilarious and misguided of these beliefs was the one about getting to hear voices of people that care. Or even see their faces. I'll have long forgotten what my own face looks like, let alone you guys'!
If you can't tell, I've hit a wall.
Yeah, yeah. I've heard them all
"This is what growing up is all about!"
"But won't it be awesome to be on your own?"
"Well, at least you'll have no distractions!"
"It'll be soooo worth it in the end!"
Ok, that's fanfrackingtastic if this is what growing up is all about. That doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm going to be living in an apartment with one bowl, a bottle of shampoo, and a pillow. No raised surfaces. No chairs. No desk. NO SHELVES FOR MY LAW BOOKS. (Which, in case you were wondering, are worth more than my car. Yup. I know that's not saying a lot considering what I drive, but still). If I don't get eaten by spiders from sleeping on a floor, my books will be carried away by some roaches at the very least. I should get really Hemingway about it and take nothing but a bottle of whiskey and a Bible.
hmmmm.
Yeah. It's awesome being on my own. Seriously. I'll have a bajillion different bills to remember to pay each month (I can't even remember to grab my phone when I leave my car, so this should be interesting). And then, THEN what they DON'T tell you when you're in school is that when you're being a real grown-up, there's no 'bail out' option. You can't call Mom and Dad. At least in undergrad there was always a safety net. If things got confusing, like if you couldn't find a doctor that took your insurance, or didn't know what to ask for when you went to Valvoline, or got headaches when researching what phone plan/ bed frame/ internet service provider- you could always call for backup. Then, if things went to crap, you could blame someone else and potentially guilt them into fixing it for you. Here's the thing- I have to do this all myself. Yeah, to some of you you may be like, 'Please, I've done this for years. Get over yourself.' Well I haven't. And I'm stressed and annoyed with it all, quite frankly. I'm positive you didn't welcome it with open arms. And for the most part I'm alright; I just have moments similar to this one where I like to throw myself a fabulously dreary pity party. No one's invited. It's much more pitiful if I'm alone.
No distractions. Really? REALLY. I always feel like slapping these randoms in the face. I'm A.D.D. you fool. EVERYthing is a distraction. My big toe, my hair, Youtube (curse you, YOUTUUUUUBE!) , I could go on forever. The point is, is that I'm already prone to distraction. So don't act like I'm going to some monastery, taking a vow of silence, living in solitude in order to find inner peace and therefore my classes will be a breeze. I'm going to law school, where the assignments are so big and scary they can suck out your organs. Yeah....who WOULDN'T find reasons to procrastinate those??
And finally, the 'at least it will all be worth it'. Ahem. Will it? I keep asking myself that over and over and I'm not even there yet. Just writing this post has given me a migraine. Just THINKING about it is that stressful. What if I emerge after my 3L a soulless legal zombie? I'll have no family, no friends (never had time), and no lover (in this scenario my current one has long grown tired of me and the monster I've become). BUT I'll have graduated in the top ten percent, I'll have a great job lined up, and a piece of paper saying I'm allegedly slightly more educated than those that just went to undergrad. Then, I can start work at this awesome job working 80-90 hour weeks busting ass writing briefs, drafting proposals, and reviewing depositions, rendering my degree useless. Until one day someone decides that I sucked less than they assumed and gives me a chance to actually practice law...after five or so years. I'll remain alone, but hey that's ok because I can't take time off for vacations or visits ANYways. I can work myself into a stupor by forty. Woohoo!
Okay. I'll stop ranting now. I'm exhausted and can't sleep. Go figure. I know it's not as bad as I've made it out to be- not even close. I have a home, a car, and I'm going to school. These are all things that I should be extremely grateful for. I'm also really glad to start doing all of this on my own. I was so amped when I took my car in for an oil change. Even more so when I switched insurance companies. Psh. Driving to Des Moines and moving into an apartment for the first time by myself? I'll have to contain my glee until I'm safely inside where no one can judge me. (It's the little milestones in life that matter most, in my opinion. They're the route you took to get to the big ones). I need to prove to myself that I don't need any crutches. Or someone to blame. (That's the thing about hypothetical crutches, people use them for different reasons. Some because they can't move forward without them, others because they want people to view them as someone who needs help and are therefore more prone to help, or my reasoning- if I trip and fall I can blame the crutch.) I'm ready to take ownership of my life. I'm just really kind of...scared I guess.
I led a sheltered life. I get overwhelmed when I think about online bill paying, policy numbers, broken fuel pumps- you know, the Nitty Gritty, if you will. But I guess it's a trial-by-error kind of thing. Eventually I'll know what questions to ask and how to best explain what I need, etc. Hopefully before I'm 30. That's a nice round number for the year I would like to make sure I'm no longer an idiot by.
I'm blathering. I'm going to attempt sleep again.
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