well, here I am at a different law school. I came to this one thinking that perhaps if I were closer to my home and those that I love, that my mental state would improve. Whether it has or not, the jury is still out. I'm beginning to think there's nothing you can do to 'improve' your mental state in law school. You just take each punch, all day every day, and try to maintain. As long as you're still standing at the end of it, you've won.
I worry that I've made a huge mistake. This school is completely different than my last. The culture here is entirely different. I came from a school (I realize, now) that was in an area full of opportunities. The faculty and staff were at the peak of professionalism and the curriculum (I realize, now) was fantastic. Here, it is far more relaxed and the classes are a lot easier. Which on the one hand, is great, because who doesn't love easier? On the other hand, I want and need to be challenged. I need the pressure of the high-stakes game to keep myself disciplined. Plus, I want to come out of law school well-prepared and knowledgeable about what area I want to go into. I'm starting to think that my last school would have been a better place for this preparation.
In addition to all of this (very real) concerns, I have a petty superficial one, as well. Law school is NOT somewhere you'd want to be the 'new kid.' The key bonds have been created between people in their 1L year. Those that stuck by you are in your alliance, and they likely always will be. It's like surviving a traumatic event together; you can't just erase that kind of connection. I have no one here as my ally. Every clique (yes, those happen) has already been established and they're not exactly welcoming of new faces. But that's ok- it's something I understand. Law school is a place where you don't want to waste your time with people who can't be trusted, but you also can't waste energy trying to figure out if someone is. By going through the first year together, you've proven yourselves to each other. Lacking that experience, no one is really interested in learning what I'm made of.
Ultimately, I'm ok with this aspect of why I spend my time here virtually alone or superficially chatting with random classmates. I mean, it's not like I would hang out with anyone outside of class, anyways. Between homework, a relationship, and an awesome best friend/ roommate, my social calendar is full enough, thank you. I'm more of a homebody, now, anyways. I prefer to surround myself with those I know and love. What actually bothers me, though, is that some of my classmates think that I'm a gunner, only because I answer questions in class and do the readings. How is that being a gunner?? What was considered slacking at my former school, is considered 'gunning' here. I am constantly caught between deciding whether I should answer the question, because the teacher is staring at the class awkwardly as everyone shakes in uncertain silence, or just join my cohorts in their deafening, unprepared silence.
I guess I just miss my old school. I had a close friend up there, I knew how their system worked, and I had established contacts and important relationships that may now mean nothing since I won't be there to maintain them. Maybe I'm just worrying for nothing. Or maybe I'll just have to amp up my game and work harder than I ever have to maintain the best possible grades in addition to expanding my professional network. I still have a long road ahead of my and I need to either choose to make the best of it or let myself fail. The latter just isn't an option.
Hm. 2L year almost half over....so far so good?
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